I don't feel like expressing myself. I don't feel like talking to anyone.
I couldn't smile.
I couldn't concentrate and focus on what I want to do. I feel restless.
I couldn't think properly.
I feel frustrated or irritated for no reason.
I feel victimised. Why am I feeling like a loser before the battle even begin?
I seem to have lost my energy, motivation and interest of life.
Is this depression??? I keep asking myself why I am landed in this state again. I know that the greatest enemy is myself. I know that there is fear, regret and anger. How can I overcome them? Will I become mentally unsound one day? That thought frightens me.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Life choices
I have a very bad habit. I like to dwell on bad happenings and keep my feelings without dissolving them. I cannot let go the feelings easily and when I do, the matter has progressed to a stage that is irreversible. I find that I run away from reality more than staying to solve the problem. This habit has created regrets and unhappiness in my life.
I realised that this habit has also hindered my career progress. If I am given a chance to start all over again, I will have stay in my job at Paragon. I will not have quitted my current job. But everything is too late. Non of the events are reversible. I should have followed my heart. My rebellious and stubborn nature has created another path for me.
For the past 3 weeks, I cannot sleep well over the decision that I have made. This is the first time that I feel that there is no way out. I pondered over the questions: Where is my priority? Jewellery business or Career?
If I choose jewellery business, what do I lack of and how I can progress from there? Do my current job allows me time to do my own stuff? Am I escaping from the frustration and anger at my current workplace? Should I leave now when my bosses started to look highly on me?
If I choose career, it will be like an insurance for me. If my jewellery business failed, I will have something to fall back on. The new opportunity gives me more career prospects. However life will become hectic.
Even though I have already made the decision, my heart has chosen a mid-route. I told myself nothing is impossible. I have chosen a challenging path. I will continue to do my jewellery in the midst of my upcoming busy life. I am afriad that my health will fail me. I am afraid that my passion for jewellery making will slowly dissolved. Fear suddenly overwhelmed me, making me regreted over my choice.
Everything is irreversible now. I have to look forward. I learnt a lesson: Listen and follow your heart. Bless me.
I realised that this habit has also hindered my career progress. If I am given a chance to start all over again, I will have stay in my job at Paragon. I will not have quitted my current job. But everything is too late. Non of the events are reversible. I should have followed my heart. My rebellious and stubborn nature has created another path for me.
For the past 3 weeks, I cannot sleep well over the decision that I have made. This is the first time that I feel that there is no way out. I pondered over the questions: Where is my priority? Jewellery business or Career?
If I choose jewellery business, what do I lack of and how I can progress from there? Do my current job allows me time to do my own stuff? Am I escaping from the frustration and anger at my current workplace? Should I leave now when my bosses started to look highly on me?
If I choose career, it will be like an insurance for me. If my jewellery business failed, I will have something to fall back on. The new opportunity gives me more career prospects. However life will become hectic.
Even though I have already made the decision, my heart has chosen a mid-route. I told myself nothing is impossible. I have chosen a challenging path. I will continue to do my jewellery in the midst of my upcoming busy life. I am afriad that my health will fail me. I am afraid that my passion for jewellery making will slowly dissolved. Fear suddenly overwhelmed me, making me regreted over my choice.
Everything is irreversible now. I have to look forward. I learnt a lesson: Listen and follow your heart. Bless me.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
In a Big Dilemma
I have been asking myself what I really wanted in my life. A successful career? A normal 9 -5 job which allows time for my jewellery business?
I am in a big big dilemma. I am so sick of keep changing jobs and readjusting in a new environment. I am afriad that I will make the wrong choice again.
Choosing A - A job which gives me better prospects but likely to be a hectic one. I may have no time to pursue my dream.
Choosing B - To stay in my current job. The culture here is a push factor. However there is improvement recently. I know that the boss begins to think highly of me. Should I just give up half way? Will things improve? This job allows me more free time for doing my jewellery?
Time to think and think.
I am in a big big dilemma. I am so sick of keep changing jobs and readjusting in a new environment. I am afriad that I will make the wrong choice again.
Choosing A - A job which gives me better prospects but likely to be a hectic one. I may have no time to pursue my dream.
Choosing B - To stay in my current job. The culture here is a push factor. However there is improvement recently. I know that the boss begins to think highly of me. Should I just give up half way? Will things improve? This job allows me more free time for doing my jewellery?
Time to think and think.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Shit hole
It has been a long time since I blogged. I avoided to blog as I was afraid that this journal would become a swearing script.
Yes I am angry 90% of the time. I blew my top a no. of time that I felt that I had somehow lost control of my temper and emotions. I scratched my documents into pieces with a pen when trying to accept some ideas that I was not convinced. I ran out of the meeting room when I could hear no more nonsense. I almost broke a pen when trying to listening to my boss's way of doing things. I shouted at a super rude delivery guy. I slammed the phone so hard that I thought the handle will break into two.
Yes I am unhappy. I wanted to stop quitting my job. But I found that this was the most ridiculous place to work in. Some examples are as follow:
1) Calling me five times when I am on mc
2) Calling me on non-working Saturday 9am to instruct me things that can be done on Mon
3) Keep asking me to change the ad without knowing what they want. Concept changes can be as many as five times. I have over twenty versions for one ad. Oh god, I need a mind reader!!!
4) Asking to book ad this week when the concept/ design of the ad was not yet finalised. It has always been a rat race...chasing endless deadlines.
5) Seeing the visual several times with minor amendments each time and major changes at the last round. It was like a heart attack each time.
6) Approved on a visual and after it was being printed, asked me to tell him what was wrong with the ad.
7) Deadlines were never fixed. Postpone again and again. Then we realised the project was launched two months later. We rushed and rushed and in the end, you felt like scolding "#*^&%#@#".
I voted my workplace as the worst place one will ever work in. 5 Stars *****
Yes I am angry 90% of the time. I blew my top a no. of time that I felt that I had somehow lost control of my temper and emotions. I scratched my documents into pieces with a pen when trying to accept some ideas that I was not convinced. I ran out of the meeting room when I could hear no more nonsense. I almost broke a pen when trying to listening to my boss's way of doing things. I shouted at a super rude delivery guy. I slammed the phone so hard that I thought the handle will break into two.
Yes I am unhappy. I wanted to stop quitting my job. But I found that this was the most ridiculous place to work in. Some examples are as follow:
1) Calling me five times when I am on mc
2) Calling me on non-working Saturday 9am to instruct me things that can be done on Mon
3) Keep asking me to change the ad without knowing what they want. Concept changes can be as many as five times. I have over twenty versions for one ad. Oh god, I need a mind reader!!!
4) Asking to book ad this week when the concept/ design of the ad was not yet finalised. It has always been a rat race...chasing endless deadlines.
5) Seeing the visual several times with minor amendments each time and major changes at the last round. It was like a heart attack each time.
6) Approved on a visual and after it was being printed, asked me to tell him what was wrong with the ad.
7) Deadlines were never fixed. Postpone again and again. Then we realised the project was launched two months later. We rushed and rushed and in the end, you felt like scolding "#*^&%#@#".
I voted my workplace as the worst place one will ever work in. 5 Stars *****
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Lessons in Entrepreneurship
Recently, there are many changes in my life. A new job. A new course. A new retail space to sell my jewellery. I experienced different emotions during this phase. Excited about my new discovery and learning. Angry over the different working culture. Fearful of the big and bigger risk that I have taken. Happy that I have made new friends.
I rediscovered myself from a meek and lifeless mouse to a aggressive tigeress. Perhaps entreprenuership has caused in the change in my character. I become more hardworking..went sourcing on weekends and working till 4am on saturdays to work on my jewellery pieces. I love the challenge to test my new idea and formulate a strategy to test whether it really works.
At work, I stood up for my viewpoint more strongly. I saw the "me" during the poly days where I was very aggressive in leading the project team. Unfortunately,the company culture is not approving such attitude.
I felt angry. I tried to look at a positive side, telling myself that I could slowly overcame this. But the biggest problem is the management hears but not listens. They rejected ideas without really listening to the main point or understanding the concept. The reason they gave was "Not nice!! Cannot!!" I am very frustrated because they don't understand what concept is, telling me to change the name of the development without changing the concept...huh....does that relate to the name of the development???? I told myself that I will not make this mistake if I become an entreprenuer in the future.
Another mistake I learnt was that they did not trust their employees...Can you imagine that I have to get my CEO to approve the directional signage that comes with a logo and arrow???...OMG...so unproductive!!! Designs are subjective and guess how many times the design has been changed. Think it is going to break the Guinness World of Records.
The worst thing that happen to me is that I am reporting to an Operations Manager who does not understand what Marketing is all about...who does not know what a DM stands and ask me to do whatever the boss likes. I got so furious that I asked him why and what he hired me for. I am not here to just take instructions. A maid can do that.
Enough of grumbles! I will tolerate for the sake of my dream till a suitable opportunity comes.....
I rediscovered myself from a meek and lifeless mouse to a aggressive tigeress. Perhaps entreprenuership has caused in the change in my character. I become more hardworking..went sourcing on weekends and working till 4am on saturdays to work on my jewellery pieces. I love the challenge to test my new idea and formulate a strategy to test whether it really works.
At work, I stood up for my viewpoint more strongly. I saw the "me" during the poly days where I was very aggressive in leading the project team. Unfortunately,the company culture is not approving such attitude.
I felt angry. I tried to look at a positive side, telling myself that I could slowly overcame this. But the biggest problem is the management hears but not listens. They rejected ideas without really listening to the main point or understanding the concept. The reason they gave was "Not nice!! Cannot!!" I am very frustrated because they don't understand what concept is, telling me to change the name of the development without changing the concept...huh....does that relate to the name of the development???? I told myself that I will not make this mistake if I become an entreprenuer in the future.
Another mistake I learnt was that they did not trust their employees...Can you imagine that I have to get my CEO to approve the directional signage that comes with a logo and arrow???...OMG...so unproductive!!! Designs are subjective and guess how many times the design has been changed. Think it is going to break the Guinness World of Records.
The worst thing that happen to me is that I am reporting to an Operations Manager who does not understand what Marketing is all about...who does not know what a DM stands and ask me to do whatever the boss likes. I got so furious that I asked him why and what he hired me for. I am not here to just take instructions. A maid can do that.
Enough of grumbles! I will tolerate for the sake of my dream till a suitable opportunity comes.....
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Vulnerability
You are vulnerable when
1) you are sick
2) you have no family or family that you cannot relate to
3) you have no friends or friends that are physically but not emotionally there
I remember that I nearly fainted a few times when I was young. Yes my mum was with me. Yes my cousin was with me. Many things ran through my mind these days. Maybe because I was not feeling well.
I was feeling dizzy on last Friday but I still went ahead to source for my jewellery supplies. I asked myself what if I fainted on the street and no one would ever care.
Today I went jogging. Maybe I had not been training for some time. After running for about 2km, I felt uncomfortable. Suddenly my vision became blurred. I tried hard to figure my way to cross the road and sat on the step at a HDB flat. After resting, I felt much better and my vision regained. I walked all the way back, acknowledging my failure.
I realised that I had always put up a brave front in the eyes of everyone. I hardly showed my true feelings to anyone. There were times that I felt so tired but I could not show. There were times I felt so alone in the world. There were some time I asked myself where my true friends were. Perhaps blog is the only place where I can truly be myself.
1) you are sick
2) you have no family or family that you cannot relate to
3) you have no friends or friends that are physically but not emotionally there
I remember that I nearly fainted a few times when I was young. Yes my mum was with me. Yes my cousin was with me. Many things ran through my mind these days. Maybe because I was not feeling well.
I was feeling dizzy on last Friday but I still went ahead to source for my jewellery supplies. I asked myself what if I fainted on the street and no one would ever care.
Today I went jogging. Maybe I had not been training for some time. After running for about 2km, I felt uncomfortable. Suddenly my vision became blurred. I tried hard to figure my way to cross the road and sat on the step at a HDB flat. After resting, I felt much better and my vision regained. I walked all the way back, acknowledging my failure.
I realised that I had always put up a brave front in the eyes of everyone. I hardly showed my true feelings to anyone. There were times that I felt so tired but I could not show. There were times I felt so alone in the world. There were some time I asked myself where my true friends were. Perhaps blog is the only place where I can truly be myself.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Taxi Fight
No taxi in sight!!! More and more people flagging the cab in front of you!!!!! These are the common problems that we face when trying to get a cab.
This is a "hair-pulling" experience especially when you are rushing for time. 10mins passed. I saw a young lady flagging about 3m away from me. I stared at her furiously. Then I saw her crossing to the opposite street to flag. 5mins later, a middle-aged lady started flagging and got away in a taxi. 10mins passed. Another group of 3 came and flag about 2m away from me. By this time, I am not going to give them a chance ...I walked past them, stood about 5m in front of them and then flagging.
Finally, I managed to get a taxi.
This is a "hair-pulling" experience especially when you are rushing for time. 10mins passed. I saw a young lady flagging about 3m away from me. I stared at her furiously. Then I saw her crossing to the opposite street to flag. 5mins later, a middle-aged lady started flagging and got away in a taxi. 10mins passed. Another group of 3 came and flag about 2m away from me. By this time, I am not going to give them a chance ...I walked past them, stood about 5m in front of them and then flagging.
Finally, I managed to get a taxi.
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