Many 1st time

This year has been an exciting year for me. Filled with many 1st times:
- Went travelling with a new friend
- Went Taiwan for the 1st time
- Another coming soon - 1st time celebrating my birthday overseas.

Hope the coming year will be filled with many happy 1st time. :)

Life is so Fragile :(

Yesterday I received a sms that my ex-colleague, Mr Ben Tan has passed away due to heart attack. I am shocked and sad to hear the news.

He is a very nice guy. I remember he used to help me when another nasty colleague don't. I will confide to him when I am feeling down. He always add laughter to the group. He used to tell me that it is important to live happily in life and take it easy when meet obstacles.

He is trying to slim down as it will lead to a more healthy lifestyle. He is also taking Chinese Physician Course so that he will be able to help people. Unfortunately, life is unpredictable.

I kept thinking of how he has touched my life. I will always remember that I have such a good colleague.

Rest in Peace, Ben :(

Overstressed

Working for people no longer gives me a great sense of satisfaction.

I can't wait to fulfill my dream - to open my own concept jewellery store.

I want to improve the lives of my family, giving me a chance to bring my whole family for holidays.

I can no longer stand the long wait. Thus I have found the courage to complete a course which I thought would provide me a shortcut to my dream. However I never know that it could bring me so much stress.

I lost my personal life. I lost my sleep. I lost my focus. I started to question myself if this is the right route. If I continue the path, will it have adverse effects on me and my life. Will I be able to overcome the stress or end up in the Mental Hospital?

I felt like giving up but I feel useless like a coward. I felt that I had not done enough. I was overwhelmed with fear. Fear of complexity, fear of failure......

God, please give me strength to go on with life. Pls tell me what to do.

What makes you fall in love?

Yesterday, my colleagues and I were discussing about love life over lunch. Two married and two single. I was surprised to find out that all of us met jerks. I was glad that I was not the only one.

Kathryn mentioned that he just knew this Denmark guy during her recent diving trip. He was the diving instructor. She did not find him attractive when she first knew him. But one sentence changed her mind. They are talking about what their happiest moment in life was. Both of them happened to have the same answer - when I went diving and I saw a whale. At that moment, she thought he was the guy that she was looking for. Perhaps this was called chemistry.

If you asked me what make me fall in love previously, I suddenly couldn't find an answer. Perhaps what I thought was true love is only an infatuation.

Many WHYs are swimming in my mind

Thanks Maggie. I felt better.Throw away some inferiority and some fear. Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone when I am trying to hide my feelings from the rest of the world. Thanks for believing in me when I am about to give up on myself. Thanks for giving some courage to restart a new life.

Thanks Shermaine and Irene. They reminded me of the dream that I have. They have given me encouragement simply by appreciating my designs. Throw away some procrastination.

Today, I am still asking myself many WHYs. My current state of life is made of many ironies
- A dream job is presented right in front of me. And I rejected it due to my personal circumstances. But my heart is full of regrets and battling to convince myself that I have made the right choice. Why???
- I told myself to get a job which I didn't have to work weekends due to my commitment to my jewellery making. And I did one ironically. Why???
- I am a marketing person. But I guess my personality has turned from introverted to anti-social. Why???
- I told myself to give up on someone but he is still stuck in my mind. My heart seems to be waiting. Why???

My actions are contradicting with my thoughts. Somehow I feel lost. Sometimes I don't even believe myself. As I wonder on the street today, I feel the emptiness of my life.

Chaotic mind

I don't feel like expressing myself. I don't feel like talking to anyone.

I couldn't smile.

I couldn't concentrate and focus on what I want to do. I feel restless.

I couldn't think properly.

I feel frustrated or irritated for no reason.

I feel victimised. Why am I feeling like a loser before the battle even begin?

I seem to have lost my energy, motivation and interest of life.

Is this depression??? I keep asking myself why I am landed in this state again. I know that the greatest enemy is myself. I know that there is fear, regret and anger. How can I overcome them? Will I become mentally unsound one day? That thought frightens me.

Life choices

I have a very bad habit. I like to dwell on bad happenings and keep my feelings without dissolving them. I cannot let go the feelings easily and when I do, the matter has progressed to a stage that is irreversible. I find that I run away from reality more than staying to solve the problem. This habit has created regrets and unhappiness in my life.

I realised that this habit has also hindered my career progress. If I am given a chance to start all over again, I will have stay in my job at Paragon. I will not have quitted my current job. But everything is too late. Non of the events are reversible. I should have followed my heart. My rebellious and stubborn nature has created another path for me.

For the past 3 weeks, I cannot sleep well over the decision that I have made. This is the first time that I feel that there is no way out. I pondered over the questions: Where is my priority? Jewellery business or Career?

If I choose jewellery business, what do I lack of and how I can progress from there? Do my current job allows me time to do my own stuff? Am I escaping from the frustration and anger at my current workplace? Should I leave now when my bosses started to look highly on me?

If I choose career, it will be like an insurance for me. If my jewellery business failed, I will have something to fall back on. The new opportunity gives me more career prospects. However life will become hectic.

Even though I have already made the decision, my heart has chosen a mid-route. I told myself nothing is impossible. I have chosen a challenging path. I will continue to do my jewellery in the midst of my upcoming busy life. I am afriad that my health will fail me. I am afraid that my passion for jewellery making will slowly dissolved. Fear suddenly overwhelmed me, making me regreted over my choice.

Everything is irreversible now. I have to look forward. I learnt a lesson: Listen and follow your heart. Bless me.

In a Big Dilemma

I have been asking myself what I really wanted in my life. A successful career? A normal 9 -5 job which allows time for my jewellery business?

I am in a big big dilemma. I am so sick of keep changing jobs and readjusting in a new environment. I am afriad that I will make the wrong choice again.

Choosing A - A job which gives me better prospects but likely to be a hectic one. I may have no time to pursue my dream.

Choosing B - To stay in my current job. The culture here is a push factor. However there is improvement recently. I know that the boss begins to think highly of me. Should I just give up half way? Will things improve? This job allows me more free time for doing my jewellery?

Time to think and think.

Shit hole

It has been a long time since I blogged. I avoided to blog as I was afraid that this journal would become a swearing script.

Yes I am angry 90% of the time. I blew my top a no. of time that I felt that I had somehow lost control of my temper and emotions. I scratched my documents into pieces with a pen when trying to accept some ideas that I was not convinced. I ran out of the meeting room when I could hear no more nonsense. I almost broke a pen when trying to listening to my boss's way of doing things. I shouted at a super rude delivery guy. I slammed the phone so hard that I thought the handle will break into two.

Yes I am unhappy. I wanted to stop quitting my job. But I found that this was the most ridiculous place to work in. Some examples are as follow:
1) Calling me five times when I am on mc
2) Calling me on non-working Saturday 9am to instruct me things that can be done on Mon
3) Keep asking me to change the ad without knowing what they want. Concept changes can be as many as five times. I have over twenty versions for one ad. Oh god, I need a mind reader!!!
4) Asking to book ad this week when the concept/ design of the ad was not yet finalised. It has always been a rat race...chasing endless deadlines.
5) Seeing the visual several times with minor amendments each time and major changes at the last round. It was like a heart attack each time.
6) Approved on a visual and after it was being printed, asked me to tell him what was wrong with the ad.
7) Deadlines were never fixed. Postpone again and again. Then we realised the project was launched two months later. We rushed and rushed and in the end, you felt like scolding "#*^&%#@#".

I voted my workplace as the worst place one will ever work in. 5 Stars *****